Confession

“Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.” Psalm 34:19(KJV)

As I sat holding the phone, I fought back the tears that were swelling in my eyelids. Although I knew my son could not see my tears, he would be able to distinguish my state by the tremor in my voice. I felt his pain. I knew his struggle well. I’d avoided this painful area in my life for years and now the reflection of my neglect was seen in my son’s struggle.

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;Hebrews 12:15 (KJV)

One of the most challenging aspects of dealing with areas of bondage for me has been ADMITTING there is a problem. I was so accustomed to pretending nothing was wrong, that admitting I struggle, I need help, I AM HURTING was a breakthrough for me. The practice of concealing, and covering up provided me with years of protection. You see, disguising left me feeling less vulnerable than the alternative, admission/confession/confrontation.

CONFESSION

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9(KJV)

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16 (KJV)

Three years ago the Lord began challenging me in the area of honesty/confession. I was teaching the Teen Bible Class at my Church, and our focus for the quarter was the book “God Chasers”. We were discussing those things that hinder our intimacy with the Lord. For the purpose of our class, we called those hindrances “doors”. On one side of the door was the obstacle keeping us from God; and, on the other side was intimacy with God. The homework assignment for this particular week was to seek God regarding the doors that separated us from Him. That week, as I laid prostrate before the Lord, I cried out for more of Him. As I laid before Him seeking more of Him, He revealed the door it was time to deal with. It was honesty/confession. Not only did He show me the door I was to deal with, He also showed me three specific individuals to whom I was to confess my dishonesty. These individuals had been affected/harmed by my dishonesty 10-20 years earlier. I laid there crying. I could not believe the Lord was asking me to do this. “What would these individuals say?” “What would they think?” This would be so embarrassing, so humiliating. I felt so ashamed. The Lord saw my tears, but He was calling for obedience. To enter into the level of intimacy I was seeking, I had to obey. He wanted me to ADMIT I had attempted to cover the wrong I had done to someone else. He wanted me to confess it. I was being challenged to confront this area of bondage in my life. My not saying/confessing the wrong I had done, afforded me the privilege of pretending it had never happened. I didn’t talk about it. I just buried it. These three offenses were not alone. This same burial ground had served as a place of CARRYING, HARBORING, and HOLDING for several other OFFENSES for many years. Sometimes I was the offender, and at other times I was the offended. Though the offenses cohabitating in this hidden place were different, they shared a common bond. I had never dealt with them. They were never resolved. I had created a special place for them. You could say they were in a womb. The contents in this sack were pain, neglect, rejection, lies, anger, bitterness, hostility, and unforgiveness just to name a few. It was not an inviting atmosphere. It was toxic. This was a place of much pain.

This was not the first time the Lord had challenged me in the area of confession/honesty. In times past, I chose to protect the contents of the womb. Even though internally I was in turmoil, I was doing a wonderful job of concealing it. No one knew what lie within. I had an image to protect. All was well until the night I laid prostrate crying out for more of Him, and He was saying less of me. My desire for more of God was so great that it diminished my fear of the response of those to whom I was being called to confess. My heart’s desire was getting on the other side of the door that was blocking me from greater intimacy with Him.

As I called the first two individuals, I felt as if I was reliving these events all over again. My heart began to race. Thoughts ran through my mind such as, “Am I ready to confess?”, “What if they have questions?”, “What if they don’t accept my apology?”, What if they get angry?” “Please don’t let them answer the phone.” As the phone rang, I repeatedly, audibly said to God, “I just want more of You.” The words I spoke repeatedly countered the thoughts racing through my mind. (Proverbs 18:21) The first call was to my closest childhood friend. I shared with her the reason for my call and slowly began to confess. I had betrayed her confidence and allowed her to believe it was another friend’s doing. I will never forget her response. “Tammy, I still love you. Your confession was more for you than for me.” The second call was to my uncle with whom I’d been dishonest. I allowed him to believe my husband was responsible for an offense I committed against him. When confessing to my uncle, he indicated he didn’t even remember the incident. But he asked the question, “What made you call and apologize after all these years.” I responded, “I am seeking a closer relationship with God and He instructed me to confess my wrong to you.” He responded, “That’s why I love you so much.” The third person was my husband. I confessed to him my wrong in letting my uncle believe he was responsible for the offense I’d committed. It’s just my husband’s character to love me in spite of me.

This was major for me! I am a concealer not a confessor, but my desire for more of God, brought me to confession. This was a critical step for me, but it hadn’t dawned on me that I had only dealt with the fruit not the root. My dishonesty in these situations was the fruit of something with deep roots; and it was still hidden in the womb.

My son’s call was a, not so gentle, reminder that the stronghold remained. As he detailed his struggle, his words were giving life to those relics, those undealt with issues, lying dormant. I hung up the phone and made my way to the bathroom. This is my secret place. This is where I labor before the Lord. This is where he renews my strength, gives me direction, and provides healing. I laid over the bathtub and wept uncontrollably. I began to confess my pain to the Lord. Saying it seemed to intensify the pain, but it was necessary to say it! It was time to ADMIT I WAS HURTING. This admission was painful, but necessary for uprooting to begin.

My Journey to “ Dealing With It” Began With Confession

That which I DON’T CONFESS, I conceal/ hide. Concealing has proven toxic for me because these unresolved issues find a familiar place within me to reside and the STRONGHOLD GAINS GREATER GROUND. (Matthew 12:43-45)

Submitting to His Will,
Tamara D. Pope

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Kingdom Seekers International Ministries, Inc.

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