“Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.” Psalm 34:19(KJV)
As I laid over the tub crying uncontrollably I began to release, no the word release does not adequately portray what was happening to me. I began regurgitating, vomiting the pain that had been buried, that I had carried for so long. The mixture of words that came gushing out of my mouth resembled the contents that the stomach ejects when something disturbs it, or enters it causing an irritation that produces the involuntary outpouring of its contents. The muscles of my stomach ached, my body felt depleted, and I was covered in sweat. The Lord had allowed me to enter this state so that I could experience, “casting all my care upon Him, for He cares for me.” I was unable to hide the pain any longer. It required too much. My son’s struggle irritated the womb which nurtured the turmoil within; and, caused the outpouring which was taking place. I went from CASTING to CONFESSING that I was not only overwhelmed, but that this stronghold had overtaken me.
CONFESSION set the stage for a level of honesty I had not exercised before.
ACKNOWLEDGING, ADMITTING the state I was in freed me to begin:
Dealing With It!
I went from CASTING to CONFESSING.
It was out in the open! No longer hidden, but this wasn’t enough. CONFESSION was a necessary first step, but was not the place to become stuck or stagnant. Quitting here would place me in jeopardy of falling into complacency. My CONFESSION was in danger of turning into self-condemnation. This was not an option for me. It was...
DECISION TIME
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Luke 14:28(KJV)
God is so loving and desires that the eyes of our understanding be opened. So He allowed me to experience the DECISION process on the most practical terms. Keeping my house clean had become a chore. I am a wife/pastor’s wife, I have three very active children, I am active in ministry and a businesswoman. My life had gotten a little off balance. I would come home and confess/admit, “This house is filthy and needs cleaning!” Looking at the exterior of my house, you would have never imagined the disarray on the interior. The shame I felt over the condition of the interior of my home prevented me from allowing others in, even those as close as my parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews were not welcomed into my environment. Sometimes I would cry out of frustration, I would lash out at my family, and/or I would crawl in the bed and pull the comforter over my head praying for the physical and mental strength to attack this “cleaning” project. It was not until I DECIDED to prioritize my home that keeping it clean became a natural part of the process.
My home was filthy and uninviting to those far and near because my priorities were misplaced. There were rooms filled with clutter. The clutter on the inside began to take up residence on the enclosed back stairs. The deeper you’d travel you discovered the clutter was mixed with filth. The basement was the holding place for junk that I had DECIDED could wait to be addressed. I remember a telephone repair man coming to service our phone lines. When scheduling the repair visit, I thought the problem could be addressed from the outside. The problem was not on the pole on the outside of the building, but was internal. He needed access to not only the 1st and 2nd floor, but the basement. I was in a panic, but had no choice if I desired the phone lines properly repaired. While in the basement working on the phone lines, the gentleman indicated he had serviced us 7 years ago. He remembered once in the basement. The condition of the basement had not changed in 7 years. The same clutter, disarray, and filth still existed. It remained untouched and unattended. It really was too much for one person to handle, but shame and pride prevented me from even allowing those desiring to help me entrance into my home. My DECISION to keep the internal condition of my home hidden not only affected me, but those who lived with me. No one, not even my husband, was allowed to give entrance into our home to anyone. They could sit on the porch, but could not come inside the building.
The Lord was showing me this was not an external flaw, but internal. It was a character issue; therefore, it carried over/affected every area of my life including my parenting. It was not restricted to our building, but every area of my life was being touched by this flaw. What I gave externally was based on my internal condition. If my inside is defiled, then no matter how I dress up the outside, what I give, how I serve, how I witness, how I train, how I teach, and minister is tainted. To change the affect of what I give, my internal condition had to be addressed first. No matter how painful, how embarrassing or humiliating, it was my internal that needed a cleansing.
Now it was time to DECIDE what I prioritized. Should I continue the protection of the contents of the womb? The natural results of this DECISION would be the stronghold gaining greater ground; and, the root of bitterness would continue to spring up and defile/poison many more. Or, there was an alternative to this DECISION.
WHAT AM I WILLING TO GIVE UP?
I read somewhere: “in order to go up, you must give up.” The DECISION I now faced was: WHAT WAS I WILLING TO GIVE UP? This would determine if deliverance was priority for me.
The Lord was inviting me to GIVE UP my vow of self-preservation. This invitation was unsettling. It was going against the fabric of everything I’d practiced for years. Just as I had kept others away due to the condition of my brick and mortar home, I had devoted years to keeping others, family and friends, at a distance relationally to hide, mask, and conceal my internal condition. Now, I had to DECIDE if I was ready to GIVE UP, to let go of that which I struggled to shield and allow healing to begin.
This invitation was familiar. The Spirit brought to my remembrance another invitation to GIVE UP the Lord had presented. I realize now because HE is so wise HE was laying a foundation for this DECISION with other DECISIONS I’d previously faced. In 2004, my Pastor/Husband expressed his desire for the women of our Church to host a women’s conference. During our time of preparation, I asked that the committee join me every Monday evening from 6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. for prayer. During these times of prayer, we would seek God on behalf of our Pastor, the church, the membership and the conference. One Monday evening as I lay before the Lord on behalf of others, an invitation to GIVE UP was presented. The Lord was calling me to walk by faith and not by sight. In 2004, the Lord blessed my family through a business venture we’d undertaken. It proved prosperous and He allowed it to sustain us even when others experienced no consistency with this venture. I had become comfortable with this venture; and during this evening of prayer, the Lord was inviting me to give it up! He was calling me to a different venue, but I had to be willing to give this one up. I was being invited to give up what had become comfortable, predictable, and dependable. Here the battle ensued. As I attempted to lift myself from my prostrate position, I felt a pressing between my shoulders encouraging me to remain prostrate. My mind began racing. I wrestled with thoughts such as, “This is our source, how are we supposed to make it?” The Spirit replied, “I am your provision.” I countered, “How are we going to eat and take care of the necessities for living?” Then He says, “That’s my responsibility.” I responded, “I don’t want my children to be without or to struggle.” Then He asked, “Do you trust me?” As I lay with my face in the carpet that was now soaked with my tears, I admitted, “I am afraid of what trusting you means. I am afraid you might hurt me.” Then He replied in an ever so gentle, but reassuring voice, “TRUST ME.” I laid there weeping. This DECISION would require me to walk in a greater level of faith. Pain and discomfort are very real phases of the faith process. They are the portions of this process that I created the womb to escape. Now I was faced with this DECISION again. Before lifting from the floor, I DECIDED TO ACCEPT THE LORD’S INVITATION TO GIVE UP AND TRUST HIM. I made the DECISION to give up what had become comfortable, dependable, and predictable.
I SURRENDERED.
I went from CASTING to CONFESSING to SURRENDERING.
Lying over the tub I accepted the invitation to surrender my way of living for His way. I had confessed Him as my savior, but He had not become Lord of all in my life. My current situation was the undeniable evidence that I had not surrendered all to Him.
I DECIDED TO FOLLOW JESUS. NO TURNING BACK FOR ME, NO TURNING BACK!
My Journey to Dealing With It!
CONFESSION
DECISION
DECIDING to follow Jesus automatically means revealing the contents of the womb. My son was the catalyst He used to prod me into deliverance.
Submitting to His Will,
Tamara D. Pope
Scriptures for Study:
1Peter 5:7
Luke 14:25-35
Psalm 119:18
Matthew 12:43-45
Hebrews 12:15
John 8:36
Luke 18:18-22
Philippians 4:19
Matthew 6:25
Hebrews10:38-39
Proverbs 16:2
Matthew 15:17-20
Jeremiah 17:9-10
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